Out of the Bubble

It's hard to understand things from others' points of view. I know what I think and feel, but I can only guess at what other's are experiencing. It's like we all have a bubble and even though we know that other people have thoughts, it feels like all life revolves around our little bubble, because from our perspective we control what happens.

It has come to my attention that my last post was a bit unfair to Kyle (I'm just gonna say his name because everyone was already thinking it), as I didn't offer his perspective, only what I assumed from his actions in my emotional state. I know that he didn't mean to make me feel "not Adventist enough" or bad for my problems. He's not perfect either and after talking to him about this I realize that I must publicly apologize for lashing out. He has always been a great friend to me and deserves better treatment.

I've always prided myself on my vulnerable writing style. I like my life and experiences to be an open book, so I didn't even think twice about posting the most recent one. But it was not just my life I was posting, it was also Kyle's and not even in a fair light. As a journalism student, one of the most important things I have learned thus far is that as a journalist it is my job to be truthful and factual, and I have failed on that. So I apologize to all of you for giving a one-sided view of the situation.

P.S. I will be posting more regularly on this blog this year, so be sure to keep checking in. I love you guys.

Facing the Truth

There are a few things that I’d like to talk about right now. First and foremost, the band Twenty One Pilots has been rocking my socks off for about a week. They are fantastic. Second, I am now the proud owner of Malcolm, my first car. And third, something happened to me last week that made me sort of question who I am and where I am headed with my life. But you guys need a little bit of a background for this story first.

I’d estimate that 67.4% of all romantic comedies start with a platonic friendship and by the end they realize that they complete each other and ride off into the sunset or whatever. I have seen a lot of rom-coms and I think that’s where this idea got instilled into my head. I’ve always wanted to find a guy that completes me as a best friend, and then maybe fall in love someday. I mean, who wouldn’t want to spend the rest of their life with their best friend, right? So it was this subconscious dream that had me fighting this year. Fighting for a chance at love or like or even just a mutual crush.

You see, it was this year that my best guy friend and I finally talked about getting together. This guy made me want to be better person, and we could talk for hours about nothing and it just seemed perfect. But I must admit that he tends to overthink everything. For months it was a seesaw. Back and forth and back and forth he went between “I think it’s a great idea” to “but what if we don’t make it?”. With all of the serious discussion you’d think it was a contract for marriage. 

It frustrated me, because I’m a very impulsive person and I go with my gut feeling. To me, it was a question of, “do you like me?” If yes, great let’s go on a date. If no, we’ll just drop the discussion. But he never gave me a straight answer. I had been waiting on the edge of my seat for a while and I’d thought up great reasons and countered every possible problem that he shot my way. And I’m not gonna lie, it was frustrating. It was like he didn’t like me for me, he just wanted to see if I’d fit into his life perfectly.

So sometime last week (I don’t remember which day), we were Skyping and after about 30 minutes or so of normal talking, he gets really serious and he says we need to talk. He then proceeds to tell me that he’s decided that we shouldn’t try a relationship. Not because he was afraid it could ruin our friendship. Not because he doesn’t like me like that (I still don’t have a straight answer on that). But because I’m not Adventist enough for him.

That’s right, I wasn’t “good” enough for him.

I went through a series of reactions. First, I was sad. I had been rejected. I’m not going to lie, I’d never invested my heart that much into a relationship. So yes, I ate a lot of ice cream and then I cried myself to sleep.

But the next morning I wasn’t sad anymore, No, I was angry. For months I had put my heart on the line while he did logistics or whatever and in the end I didn’t pass inspection. Who was he to tell me that I wasn’t good enough for him? What gave him the right to judge me? I knew that he had his own kind of problems and that he wasn’t the most saintly Adventist either. There are a lot of things that I had told him because I wanted to be completely open to him about who I was and he used them against me. I admit that I really had to hold myself back from writing a scathing email about what I thought about his “decision”.

The third and final stage I hit was acceptance. I was tired—tired of crying and beating myself up for not being good enough. Tired of being angry and being judged. And it was then that I realized I was done. I was sick of fighting for this relationship. But it wasn’t just my relationship I was sick of fighting for. I was sick of trying to keep up appearances. The two lives that I was keeping separate had exhausted me and I realized that I was ready to let go and be honest.

I am not a saint. I have a tattoo in honor of a friend who died far too young. I love loud rock music. I have a bad habit of swearing.I haven’t been to church all summer and I haven’t missed it. I was really depressed this past year and drank and smoked more weed than I’d like to admit. I have made bad choices and I’m done trying to cover them up and be the perfect person.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not proud of who I’ve been. But it’s time to be honest and I’m working on my problems. Not in hopes of ever becoming “good enough” for him (because that ship has sailed), but so that one day I can be proud of the person I am and maybe I’ll find a guy that can take me as I am, worn from the world.

So this is me, coming clean and admitting to who I’ve become. No more secrets and trying to save face, I’m facing my bad habits head on and hoping that you guys can still accept me.

Distracted Ramblings of an Ambivert

This quarter has left me with far too much time for my liking. Now, before I get yelled at by the engineering, physics and pre-anything-medically-related majors for not appreciating free time, I would like to assure you that being idle 80% of the time is not good for anyone's wellbeing, be it physical, mental or spiritual. When I am left to do nothing but twiddle my thumbs, I shut down my priorities and get absolutely nothing done.  Homework is left to the last minute, many hours are logged on the internet, and I hardly ever leave my room. That's right, this quarter I have been an introvert.

With no sense of urgency, I cannot seem to get anything done. Stress is the motivating power that drives me to action. It's why I get out of bed 5 minutes before I have to be at work every day. It's why I start every assignment the class period before it's do. It's why I am approximately 10 minutes late to everything. I need a figurative slap in the face to get moving every day.

But there are three main problems that I have found with this system:
1) I am late for everything. I think that everyone should start telling me that everything is 10 minutes earlier than it actually is.
 2) Even though stress makes me very productive, it's still stress. So when everything has to be done on the same day, you can bet I'm going to be running around like Katie Sloop before a Cali. tour (if you don't understand that phrase, it's quite similar to "like a chicken with it's head cut off").
3) My system is failing. Usually I can be spurred to action by realizing that I'm going to miss an important assignment or miss out on paid time at work, but recently even these haven't been enough to get me out of bed or away from my computer. My procrastination level on homework has gone from do-everything-the-night-before-it's-due to do-everything-the-class-period-before-it's-due to why-should-i-even-do-it-if-it's-only-going-lower-my-final-grade-slightly. I can't seem to bring myself to understand the gravity of a situation. I know the consequences of my actions, but I can't bring myself to do anything about it.

Recently, it has come to my attention that this is a problem. You see, as someone who has problems motivating myself, it's hard to motivate myself to do something about my problem of not being able to motivate myself.  Do you see the issue with this? It's a vicious cycle and I'm stuck in it. I cannot get out of it by myself and thus I am forced to find help. But the greatest help we can find is God, and I've come to the point where I realize my need for Him. So this is me, admitting my problem and handing the wheel over to the only One who can help me.

Biking = Snowboarding?

You know how people always say that you never forget how to ride a bike? Well this year I discovered that that idea does not apply to snowboarding. After two whole winters of never quite making it onto the slopes, I decided that it was time to get back into the game. A fortnight ago (clever word, eh?), I set out to re-master this fantastic sport. If I had known how many times I would fall that day, even just in the first run, I would have worn more padding and probably a helmet. It seemed like every 10 feet I was flat on my back. Or my stomach. Or an awkward, twisty amalgamation of the two.

It was beyond frustrating. I mean, it's not like I had never been snowboarding before. I wouldn't say that I was a pro, but at least I only used to fall once or twice in a day. It was ridiculous, and also very humbling. But you know what the worst part was? Once I had realized that my boots were too loose, and had tightened them accordingly, it fixed half of my problems. Of course, that didn't put me back on top of my game, but it certainly helped a lot.

With all of this in mind, when my alarm went off at 6 am, I didn't want to go snowboarding. But since it's actually a class I'm taking, I dragged myself out of bed and somehow made it onto the bus right before it left. When we arrived at the Bluewood, I stalled for as long as I could and still keep my dignity. But eventually, I had to go up the ski lift. So I gave myself a mini pep-talk and made my way up to the top of the mountain, where I promptly fell over and was in the same predicament as before, embarrassing myself in front of everyone passing by on the ski lift.

But today was going to be different. I decided that I wasn't going to make excuses or be afraid anymore. And I wasn't. By the end of the day I was carving down black diamond runs, riding up walls, and even trying out boxes and rails. I not only regained all my previous confidence and skills, but I learned some ones in my lesson. I started the day reluctant, but by the end I didn't want to leave.

What's the point of all this? You might be asking yourself that. Maybe I just wanted to tell you about my day. Or maybe the day was just begging to be written about. Either way, draw your own lessons or conclusions. All I know is that I proved myself wrong today. You never truly forget how to ride a snowboard.

Fun Photo Project

Special thanks to Sloopy, Chinja, and Fahita for letting me take crazy pictures of them.

Ignore Me.

I tuned out the words and laughter floating around me, as I sat alone on a chair in a corner of the room. Focusing on the under-cooked blueberry muffin in my hand, I tried to remind myself that it was just a game. Tried to ignore the spreading whole I was feeling in my chest and the tell-tale prick of rejection.

I'm very easily distracted. So when I was studying and a knock sounded on my door, I got up to answer it. The next thing I new I had been roped into going to hall joint-hall worship (I think it was the promise of muffins that really convinced me). After a lovely devotional thought form the 7th floor RA, we were promised a fun game. Being the fun-loving person that I am, I figured studying could wait a little longer.

The game was simple. Everyone got a card to put on their forehead, but only those around you could read it. On each card was an instruction on how to treat the person bearing it. I was really excited, but as more and more girls passed me while only glancing at my card, I realized that I had been given the one card no one wants:

Ignore me.

So there I was, sitting on my sad armchair alone, eating a sub-par muffin, and fighting the instinct to beak down in tears and go back to my room. I knew it wasn't anything personal, but the sudden ostracizing had definitely hurt my feelings. The logical side of me knew that that there was no harm meant, but there was a wrestling match going on between logic and emotion, and it was a very close call.

Thankfully, the game ended and I was accepted back into the fray. But as I wandered back to my room with another one of those surprisingly yummy muffins, I got to thinking.

There are people that I see everyday and pass without as much as a smile or even a nod. There are people that I avoid just like everybody else, because I don't feel comfortable around them. They live they're day to day lives and get ignored.

The next time you see that one boy that nobody likes, or that really quiet girl that doesn't really talk to anybody, share a smile, introduce yourself. Who knows, maybe you'll find your new best friend.

Let's stop blocking everyone outside of our comfort zone out, and start noticing the ignored.

The Unexpected

To say that this summer was not what I had planned would be an understatement. But I've come to realize that it's better to just expect the unexpected. Weird things happen and sometimes it's for the better.

It's not like I had planned to be in one spot all summer; I had a variety of places etched into my calendar. But a lot of the traveling I've done thus far has been the result of last minute decisions and spontaneous plans.

In the past 86 days, I have travelled approximately 11,169 miles. The longest I stayed in one place was three weeks. So I apologize to everyone who was patiently waiting for an update, because I was much too busy gallivanting around the country to sit down at my computer and write.

I'm not going to bore you with details from my adventures, but I just thought I'd tell you guys why I temporarily deserted my blog. I've started my sophomore year of college so there will be more posts to come!