There are a few things that I’d like to talk about right now. First and foremost, the band Twenty One Pilots has been rocking my socks off for about a week. They are fantastic. Second, I am now the proud owner of Malcolm, my first car. And third, something happened to me last week that made me sort of question who I am and where I am headed with my life. But you guys need a little bit of a background for this story first.
I’d estimate that 67.4% of all romantic comedies start with a platonic friendship and by the end they realize that they complete each other and ride off into the sunset or whatever. I have seen a lot of rom-coms and I think that’s where this idea got instilled into my head. I’ve always wanted to find a guy that completes me as a best friend, and then maybe fall in love someday. I mean, who wouldn’t want to spend the rest of their life with their best friend, right? So it was this subconscious dream that had me fighting this year. Fighting for a chance at love or like or even just a mutual crush.
You see, it was this year that my best guy friend and I finally talked about getting together. This guy made me want to be better person, and we could talk for hours about nothing and it just seemed perfect. But I must admit that he tends to overthink everything. For months it was a seesaw. Back and forth and back and forth he went between “I think it’s a great idea” to “but what if we don’t make it?”. With all of the serious discussion you’d think it was a contract for marriage.
It frustrated me, because I’m a very impulsive person and I go with my gut feeling. To me, it was a question of, “do you like me?” If yes, great let’s go on a date. If no, we’ll just drop the discussion. But he never gave me a straight answer. I had been waiting on the edge of my seat for a while and I’d thought up great reasons and countered every possible problem that he shot my way. And I’m not gonna lie, it was frustrating. It was like he didn’t like me for me, he just wanted to see if I’d fit into his life perfectly.
So sometime last week (I don’t remember which day), we were Skyping and after about 30 minutes or so of normal talking, he gets really serious and he says we need to talk. He then proceeds to tell me that he’s decided that we shouldn’t try a relationship. Not because he was afraid it could ruin our friendship. Not because he doesn’t like me like that (I still don’t have a straight answer on that). But because I’m not Adventist enough for him.
That’s right, I wasn’t “good” enough for him.
I went through a series of reactions. First, I was sad. I had been rejected. I’m not going to lie, I’d never invested my heart that much into a relationship. So yes, I ate a lot of ice cream and then I cried myself to sleep.
But the next morning I wasn’t sad anymore, No, I was angry. For months I had put my heart on the line while he did logistics or whatever and in the end I didn’t pass inspection. Who was he to tell me that I wasn’t good enough for him? What gave him the right to judge me? I knew that he had his own kind of problems and that he wasn’t the most saintly Adventist either. There are a lot of things that I had told him because I wanted to be completely open to him about who I was and he used them against me. I admit that I really had to hold myself back from writing a scathing email about what I thought about his “decision”.
The third and final stage I hit was acceptance. I was tired—tired of crying and beating myself up for not being good enough. Tired of being angry and being judged. And it was then that I realized I was done. I was sick of fighting for this relationship. But it wasn’t just my relationship I was sick of fighting for. I was sick of trying to keep up appearances. The two lives that I was keeping separate had exhausted me and I realized that I was ready to let go and be honest.
I am not a saint. I have a tattoo in honor of a friend who died far too young. I love loud rock music. I have a bad habit of swearing.I haven’t been to church all summer and I haven’t missed it. I was really depressed this past year and drank and smoked more weed than I’d like to admit. I have made bad choices and I’m done trying to cover them up and be the perfect person.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not proud of who I’ve been. But it’s time to be honest and I’m working on my problems. Not in hopes of ever becoming “good enough” for him (because that ship has sailed), but so that one day I can be proud of the person I am and maybe I’ll find a guy that can take me as I am, worn from the world.
So this is me, coming clean and admitting to who I’ve become. No more secrets and trying to save face, I’m facing my bad habits head on and hoping that you guys can still accept me.
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